


Fighting For My Heart

by Pooks79



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-20 23:16:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/893043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pooks79/pseuds/Pooks79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A/N – so here is that damn emotional muse at work again. You can thank Nikitajuice for this one since her recent drawing inspired it.  Her picture was based on the premise of fight club and so is this little one shot with my own twists and turns of course. Definitely check it out when u get a chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fighting For My Heart

This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time… (Movie – Fight Club)

JPOV

I often been asked what do you do when you feel you are on the cusp of a complete and mental breakdown? Do you internalize and pray you don’t bleed out from muscular and mental hemorrhage? Do you extinguish such pain in a fight of rage, swinging, kicking and clawing at every human being within your line of sight and hope with each swing the pain just magically disappears? Or do you vocalize, screaming every obscenity to any person who asks you if you are ok?

The answer to such an open ended question is simple, there is no right answer. For some, verbal is just as bad as physical and to others, it’s the combination of both that helps them sleep through the night. I was never an advocate of violence. I chose to internalize and in doing so, my anger, this heated rage burrowed deep within me slowly consumed me whole. I no longer felt those putrid emotions known as love, admiration and devotion; no I felt something completely different, hollow. My hollow insides were clearly reflective on the outside, my facial expressions; the simplest of day to day mannerisms that would otherwise go unnoticed became more and more apparent as I became consumed with emptiness.

In the beginning, when my world came to an end and my heart became a dried up lifeless raisin within my chest all I could think about was how inadequate a human being I was. I sat and mentally masturbated about how stupid and naïve I was in believing that compassion and friendship meant anything other than a tight hug and an every so often text message. I thought long and hard on how I could misconstrue this as anything other than friendship but then again, I was human and as a human being our quest in life is to find the ultimate mate, a partner to live out our days with so the notions and emotions I felt weren’t out of the ordinary, at least that’s what I thought initially.

I spent weeks trying to come to terms with this pain, this deep rooted despair known as heart break. This wasn’t the first time I had known such pain however, I swore once I got through it, I would never allow such pain to enter the realm of my existence ever again but there I sat, shattered, broken and beyond consolation. 

After all explanations and excuses were exhausted I finally reemerged close to two months later, hollow, broken and emotionless. I lost contact with everyone and in doing so reappeared on the scene confused as hell. Life had continued on without me and now I didn’t know where to start. To say I had silenced the pain would be lying. It was merely cocooned deep within me for the time being. It threatened to break free every once and a while but for now I had control or at least I thought.

I returned back to school and finished my senior year out with no desire to attend college. I had always been good with my hands and figured I would rent a space in town and open up my own auto body shop. 

A few months into the new business, I found myself inundated with work and not enough time in a day to complete it all. Work became my safe haven, a place I could exhaust my frustrations and not think about the one that got away.

There were times when I was closing up when I caught a whiff of her signature perfume or when I picked up my take out order from the diner and saw her father, who was the chief of police, sitting at a table far off to the back that the stinging pain of rejection nipped its way into my mind but I was quick to extinguish it with a swift fist to a neighboring tree or telephone pole. I knew this anger and hurt wouldn’t remain at bay for too long and the more I suppressed it, the more it tried to claw its way out.

When I returned home after a long night a few weeks later, I found my old friend Sam chatting it up with my father over some beers. It was nice to see a familiar face since most, if not all my friends had pretty disappeared off of the face of the earth while I was in self-seclusion. The look of concern and fear tickled me as I entered the living room and bypassed them on my way to the kitchen to eat.

Sam followed behind me and said there was something important he needed to talk to me about. I hoped he wasn’t stopping by for relationship advice because I was the last to offer any but something told me this had nothing to do with friendship or women, this was different.

After three hours of conversation in which I stared at him like he had a third eye growing from his forehead, I learned I would soon become a wolf. To be honest I thought he was delusional but when the conversation got heated and we stepped outside, that’s when I became a believer. In a matter of a few seconds Sam became an oversized dog, his paws clawing at the ground as he growled his discontent with my denial while the saliva trickled from his teeth. That was the day I fully embraced my fate and the day that I had found a true outlet for my pain.

In a warped way I thought that maybe with this new ability it might give me a small advantage over my competition. I learned that not only was I a wolf but my arch enemy happened to be my true love’s soon to be husband. I was curious if Bella had known this all along and in an effort to protect me from the danger, she pushed me away but then her words of wisdom chimed through my head and reminded me it wasn’t the supernatural keeping up apart but her lack of love for me.

The image of her face as she whispered “It will always be him” played in my thoughts and fueled the beast to come forth more times than I’d like to admit to. It took several weeks following my acceptance into the pack for me to be able to harness my emotions enough and not break out into a wolf at the slightest twinge of upset. 

It has been close to a year since the change and even now, after I had formed another channel other than wolfing out to control these hostile emotions do they sometimes randomly affect me to the point of violence.

I had decided in my infinite wisdom that aside from phasing I needed another outlet to help expunge this anger that still resided deep within me. Sam assured me that with each kill the rage would be less but it had the complete opposite effect. After each attack, the lust for more became more and more insatiable. Each vamp I killed wasn’t just some random nomad but Edward. He was the one thing keeping Bella from claiming her rightful place by my side and he was the one I killed over and over again each night since my first phase.

To add to my epic anger was the fact that I couldn’t kill him. Apparently our ancestors formed a truce with these lifeless beings and I wasn’t allowed to even breathe in the same air as them as long as they remained on their side of the treaty line. My disgust with the entire thing became all-consuming and so that was what fueled me to form “the club”.  
I laugh at how silly it was in the beginning. Our pack was only four large at the time but just like me; my brothers thirsted for the kill and always looked for an outlet when the vamp trails went dry. I knew I couldn’t tell Sam about this new little endeavor since we weren’t supposed to use our abilities for personal gain but ultimately, it wasn’t personal, at least that is what I told myself. We were just some vampire hungry wolfs trying to blow off some steam.

It started off innocent enough, each member afraid of hurting the other but eventually it was an all-out brawl each time we met. We weren’t limited to human form and since our powers allowed us to heal quickly, no one held back. The Fight Club as we eventually called it was both a mental and physical release. You didn’t need a reason to join only a cause to fight. Each one of us, now eight strong, had our own reasons for attending and the best part was it didn’t matter. We all fought one another and by the end we still remained friends. I thought myself a genius for discovering such a concept and had finally found my outlet for the rage that almost consumed me.

Tonight would be the one year anniversary of the club and I had to say, I was itching for some action. Today was the day Bella was to be married to the soulless bastard so you can imagine the fury that radiated off my skin as I made the long walk to the meeting grounds. I fought the beast that lied restless within; I whispered to him to be patient but the stubborn bastard was worse than a baby at feeding time. He was ready to tear someone’s head off and I was ready to let him. 

I guess on some level although helpful, the club was hurting more than helping. Yes it allowed me to be rid of the pain but when all was said and done, I was still just Jacob Black, a man tormented by a forsaken love and chastised for his lack of restraint and show of friendship.

When I arrived at the meadow, a place deemed sacred by Bella, I couldn’t help but smile. All the boys were waiting and surprisingly enough, so were some of our so called “friendly” vamps. Apparently word traveled fast and Emmett and Jasper decided to join the fun. Tonight would be a good night for sure and I had no doubt at least for now, this burning pain of sadness would be silenced with the dismemberment of their bodies. 

Paul was kind enough to explain the rules which they agreed to humbly. Little did they know the rules didn’t apply to non-shifters but I wasn’t about to privy them to this information. If you don’t ask, then we don’t tell. Those were the rules.

It didn’t even occur to me to ask why they chose to be here instead of their brother’s wedding but then again I didn’t care. I wanted payback and this was just the retribution I was thirsting for.

I allowed my pack members first dibs and after five beat downs, I was rearing to go. I pulled my shirt over my head and rubbed my hands together ready for a fight. I couldn’t help but smile when I stared down Emmett as he paced back and forth with a similar grin. I took my stance and was ready to charge when a familiar fragrance penetrated my nostrils and caused me to turn and glance over my shoulder.

My knees became weak at the mere sight of her, the familiar timid stance she took, her arms wrapped firmly around her waist as fear stricken her in place nearly killed me. She has and always will be my weakness no matter how much I try to deny it. The sight and smell of her causing so much pain it’s hard for me to even remember what it was I was doing before she arrived.

This minor setback as it were was just the opportunity Emmett needed. I watched as the tears formed in her eyes as they widened and she screamed “JAKE!” 

Before my body had a chance to turn, I felt a firm strong punch slam into my chest forcing me down onto my knees in pain. My head shot up, my arm clinging to my chest as the pain spread from my ribs throughout my body. I knew this was only a momentary setback and that the pain would leave just as quickly as it came but now coupled with that pleasant thought came an all too familiar feeling, one that had subsided over time but now was filling my entire being, anger.

I rose to my feet and without delay charged the miserable bastard, my shoulder leaning in forward as it made contact with his chest and sent him flying a few feet ahead of us. He was quick to bounce back as only vampires could and returned throwing a punch which I dodged and a kick which unfortunately swept me off my feet. 

The wolf inside begged to be set free and although I would normally welcome his appearance, right now all I wanted was to defeat him as a man. It was my ego getting the best of me and I knew if Bella saw me win or lose right now, she would see it wasn’t my supernatural abilities that allowed me to win but the strength of one human man against insurmountable odds.

I was quick to hop back on my feet; my stance and his were the same as we both breathed heavily like two rabid dogs ready to make the kill. My foot rose to take a step as did his but before we could come close to engaging, Edward appeared between us placing his hands against both our chests, hindering us from reaching one another. I was so ready to hit him just to say I did knowing it would feel good giving him a piece of the hell I lived in up until now but I knew as much joy ads it would bring me, pain would come with it because ultimately, it would always be him.

Emmett pushed against his brother’s firm hand as I stood at bay eager to see what would happen. The words that escaped his lips shocked me and sent my mind into a world wind of confusion. “She chose him”.

Chose me? She never chose me that was why we were here in the first place. She denied my love, took my heart, trampled over it and spit in my face because I wasn’t him so how was that choosing me? 

I turned back to take another look at Bella and now fear was replaced by guilt. Her eyes lingered on mine for only a moment and then they turned towards the ground as her hands rubbed up and down her arms. I had known this woman all my life, studied her mannerisms, understood her quirk’s and accepted them all the same and from the looks of it, what he was saying was true. She had come back to me. The question was, would I accept her or deliver onto her the same fate she bestowed upon me so many years ago? Could I forgive the unforgivable, allow her to enter my heart with the chance of losing it entirely all over again?

These unanswered questions were maddening and the longer I stood there, in silence, watching her omission of guilt as she continued to stare at the ground, the more I wanted to just be free from it all and run. I wanted to run because I just couldn’t handle the truth either good or bad. I had fought so hard for so many years to be rid of her and now that I was somewhat better, her she comes, back into my life, giving me hope for something I had wanted all this time. I didn’t know what to think, how to act or what to do so I did the only thing I could think of. 

My skin burned as it ripped from my bones and the wolf took shape. A deep ear piercing howl escaped from my lips bringing with it all the pain, love and hurt in my heart as I ran from the crowd into the forest.

I heard Bella cry out for me but I was too lost, too confused to stop my legs from pushes my muscles to the limit. I ran for what seemed like hours but had been mere minutes. I stopped short of the cliff that overlooked the ocean, the cool wind of the sea breeze easing my aching heart and slowly silencing my pounding headache.  
When my heart resumed its normal beat, the wolf left me to my broken human form. I didn’t care that I was naked, exposed to the elements in such a fragile state. I welcomed death, welcomed anything that would take away the confusion I felt fill my every thought. I had waited for this moment since I first said I love you and now that it was here, I wasn’t sure I wanted it anymore. 

I wasn’t the same man she remembered and I wasn’t sure I could be. I might have hated my existence, hated the journey I was forced upon by her but ultimately I had grown to accept it. I wasn’t sure my heart could take rejection like that again and I was scared to try, scared to be her everything and still never be enough.

“This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time…” she whispers forcing me from my thoughts to turn back and gaze upon her.

“Those were the last words you said to me Jake and at the time, I didn’t really think much about it but after you left, all I could do was think about them and I realized you were right.”

I stared at her not really recalling when I said it but realizing there was so much truth to those words. I could sit here and debate on whether to take her back or whether it was worth the risk to do so. I had been taking risks since she left my life because she left, so would it truly be any different? Was I willing to give up the fight since this was a battle I knew I could never win? She has and always will be my heart. I will always surrender to her will because she is and always has been my everything. 

I watch as she moves closer, her eyes never losing sight of mine as she inches while her hands tuck into her long sleeve shirt. “I won’t lie to you Jake. I did love you but it took time away from each other for me to see it. I know it’s no excuse and I know it doesn’t take away the pain and hurt you’ve endured all these years of separation but I realized how empty and hollow my life was without you. I tried Jake, God did I try to convince myself things between Edward and I could work. I know it hurts to hear me say it but I did believe he and I were meant to be however, the more we were together, the more I felt like something was missing. I realized that my heart just wasn’t in it and the reason why my heart wasn’t there was because it was back here with you. It has always been you and I want it to always be you. Please forgive me Jake…”

I watched as her eyes glazed over in tears and her lips began to tremble. As much as I wanted to tell her off, scream, yell in defiance I couldn’t. If I hurt her I would only be hurting myself. The fact of the matter was I could never deny her and I didn’t want to. I knew I was a glutton for punishment but yet and still no matter how many times I told myself I could live without her I knew I couldn’t. I needed her like the air I breathed, the water I needed to sustain my life and without her, I was nothing.

I pulled her into my chest, rested my face in her strawberry scented hair as I whispered “I never stopped loving you Bella. I will forever and always be your Jake.”

Her body shook within my arms, the tears falling hard and fast onto my heated skin in droves as I continued to cradle her. I didn’t know what the future held for us or if things would be different now that so much had changed between us. I wasn’t sure where the club and my wolf responsibilities would fall when it came to us but what I did know and what I felt sure of was it felt good to feel my heart beat once again and to know I had finally received the love I so rightfully deserved.


End file.
